A "Non-Panicky" Nuclear War

Our neocon war leaders prepare us for world-ending destruction, but seriously, don't freak out

The bipartisan neocon dream team Blumenthal and Graham are back with more hits that are surely to die for! This time they’re talking nukes: Russia is a threat for tactical nuclear weapons, they claim, which is why we need to arm the area with nuclear bombs of our own.

“This isn’t reckless or panicky,” Blumenthal says, breathing heavy with the wet, hot anticipation of explosions over Russia. And should the Russians use their weapons, well, he whispers a final warning, dripping with pleasure over the prospect of mushroom clouds spreading over Europe, death created by his own hand: “They will be destroyed. They will be eviscerated.”

Biden, meanwhile, also has high hopes for the war effort, giving a statement to reporters that “Putin is losing in Iraq.” Everyone felt too embarrassed to correct him.

And while our confused warmonger-in-chief is busy fighting to the last Ukrainian, his cronies at Pod Save America are hard at work campaigning for their boss: “Chastising works!” they laugh, planning out how to best vote-shame Americans into voting for Biden.

“If you live in a swing state,” host Jon Favreau lectures (and I’m now really wishing I hadn’t already used dripping for Blumenthal’s words), “And you vote for Cornel West, you’re helping Trump become president. That’s it. And you could say ‘Oh it’s Joe Biden’s fault he did this or that,’ no no no. It’s your decision. If you want to help Donald Trump become president, then you should vote for Cornel West.”

There’s so much to throw down on, and this article doesn’t even cover the Psaki and Christie and Jean-Pierre and MSNBC of it all. It’s a brutal week, and Katie and Aaron are here to mock every slimy politician and corporate pundit in their way.

It’s our Thursday bonus episode. Let us know in the comments what corporate media monologues, interviews, or anything else you want to see on the next Thursday Throwdown.

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